


The Bots and the Bees

by kikaikitai



Category: Transformers: Prime
Genre: Crack, Gen, Old Fic Repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-14
Updated: 2016-04-14
Packaged: 2018-06-02 06:31:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,084
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6554938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kikaikitai/pseuds/kikaikitai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's Ratchet/Optimus but that's not the focus. Set in the same continuity as Opportunity. Jack learns something new about the Autobots that he kind of didn't want to know! Crack silliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Bots and the Bees

**Author's Note:**

> Old fic repost.
> 
> The prequel is [Good Morning](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6558613)

"Oh my God, I am so... _so_ sorry..."

Jack had his hands over his eyes and was pretty sure his face was red. And if he was just red, then they must've been _molten lava_ red. Wait, did robots even blush?

He could've sworn he'd heard Arcee call him from the giant hallway, and when he ventured down, he thought for certain they were under attack because it sounded like someone was being torn apart. Heart racing, he'd turned a corner into one of the makeshift giant robot bedrooms...

... to find Optimus with an orange cable in his mouth and Ratchet on the berth making a crazy noise that was probably a Cybertronian word or something. Oh my God, they spoke their native language when they— _robots did that?_ Was it even the same thing? Jack was sixteen; of course he knew what that was when he saw it.

"I'm so sorry," Jack repeated, turning around and leaving the room. Ratchet's face had been an impressive mixture of probably ten different expressions, the strongest being what Miko would call "capital D colon face of instant death". He heard more noises and what sounded like arguing, and ran as fast as he could back to the main room.

"Jack!" Arcee waved from the medbay area. "I called you, where'd you get to so fast?"

Jack was panting, ears burning from embarrassment. Arcee squinted her optics and bent on one knee. "Are you okay?" She held out a servo uncertainly.

"Um, yeah, I just, I..." Jack attempted speech and wanted to punch himself in the face. "I went looking for you, but here you are, so...!"

Arcee wasn't the bot to lie to, even if it wasn't something bad. Nothing got past her. "Really, Jack, what's wrong?" she asked, letting Jack lean on her hand as he caught his breath.

"No, no, it's nothing," he assured.

"Jack," she warned, optics cycling seriously. "Did you lose the class pet again?"

"No, no!" He waved his hands. "I already had my turn; I don't get Beedy the hamster anymore."

She stared and Jack broke down. Okay. How do put this. "Arcee, you know how, um, when two humans like each other a lot..."

Arcee leaned back with a face of distaste. One day Miko had come to base with a new textbook, and she couldn't stop giggling every other page. Eventually Jack had to take it away from her and when Rafael was gone he explained conception and pregnancy. Ratchet had dropped his tools and forbidden the subject from being brought up ever again.

Jack could sense what she was thinking and flailed his little human hands again. "No! My point is, uh..." How the hell did he say this? Was she going to think he was crazy? Was it just that it _looked_ like what people did and so he thought he'd seen something like that? Maybe Optimus was helping Ratchet clean his cables, oh, _don't think about it, don't think about it_!

The human gave a frustrated sort of yelp that made Arcee twitch back. "Arcee. Do Cybertronians do things for fun?"

She was still staring. Damn it. Try again. "Like, okay, with humans, if we really like someone and they like us back a lot we sometimes... oh my God, please, I can't even say it," he grumbled, smacking a hand over his face. Arcee looked like she thought he'd lost his mind. "I went looking for you and I saw Optimus and Ratchet, um, you know... we call it making love."

The motorcycle sat back and shifted her shoulder thoughtfully. "You _make_ love?"

"Yeah! Yes! And sometimes that leads to a human baby, but a lot of times people just do it for fun!"

"You make babies for fun?"

Jack wanted to scream. "No," he breathed, trying to keep in control. "The thing humans do that can make babies just feels really good and it's something you do with someone you really like or love. Like kissing! But kissing doesn't make babies. You just..." This wasn't working. She was looking about to call June and say he was sick or something.

_Auuugh!_

"Arcee, I walked back there and Optimus was on top of Ratchet!" he finally blurted and immediately covered his mouth, hoping to God that those two were still deep in the base somewhere.

Blue optics spun and widened and Arcee's mouth dropped. "Oh. _Oh_ ," she put a hand over her mouthplate. "Jack. You saw them...?"

Jack wanted to cry and maybe laugh. "I don't know, were they?! I didn't know robots did that! Stop laughing!"

Arcee was covering her whole faceplate now and leaning to one side so much she was close to falling over. Her vocalizer whirled in giggles and she waved a servo like she was trying to say something. "I honestly didn't know humans had that sort of thing either," she admitted. "But, Primus, those two have the worst luck..."

Jack was grabbing his hair. "So, what, are they dating? Is that a thing, robot boyfriends? Do robots get married? Is it legal on Cybertro— oh my God, what am I even saying! Who am I, Miko?"

Arcee seemed to have regained her composure and put a digit down on top of Jack's head gently. "Jack, relax," she said, trying to hold back her smirk and failing. "Optimus and Ratchet... they go way back, I'll just leave it at that. And you're not the first one to walk in on them."

Jack cringed. "It wasn't Miko, was it?" Oh, God, how horrible. She'd never stop talking about it.

Arcee laughed again and let Jack jump into her hands. "Raf," she corrected, setting him down where the television was. "He didn't realize what they were doing, though. But even Ratchet couldn't even look at him for a week."

"Wow," Jack sighed, plopping down on the couch. "I guess they're both going to feel awkward around me, then."

Arcee crossed her arms and smiled. "Yeah," she agreed, a little sorry. "Wouldn't be surprised if you get the talk from Optimus."

"The _talk_? What, the bots and the bees?"

"What?"

"Nevermind."

Arcee didn't question further, like with most weird things human kids said, and shrugged. "Well I guess we learned something about each other's kind today." She smirked.

Jack laughed breathily, opening a soda. "Yeah. What do you guys call it?"

"Hm," Arcee turned her optics up, searching her processor for the right equivalent. "Fragging."

Jack spat soda all over his crotch.


End file.
